Feeling considerably better today. Yesterday evening I wrote a bit of explanation about my earlier post…

I scared myself today. While in the library this morning, I had a look at a
book. I don’t remember the title, but it caught my eye because it was about one
of the many things that are wrong in this world. The authors had dedicated it to
their children, saying “May your generation put the right the things our
generation failed to do” (or words to that effect).

One of the things that has been dwelling on my mind recently is how hard it is to change things, and how hard it is to change them. Reading that, I thought “I bet that’s what every generation thinks, and it never happens”, and I literally gave a
groan of sheer frustration. It was probably the same kind of phenomenon of
emotion overflowing into physicality as gnashing your teeth.

For a
few seconds, I was angry, not just at the injustice in the world, not just at
the stupid, evil and thoughtless things that people do, but angry at people. At
humanity.

For a few brief seconds, despair took hold. And it
terrified me – or rather, I terrified me.

Thankfully, although my
rational side might have abandoned me for a moment, God had not, and I realised
just what I was thinking and turned to him to pray for love and patience and
compassion. I can’t say that I feel particularly loving or patient or
compassionate at the moment, but it’s not just about feelings, but about
decisions.

I pray that by the grace of God he’ll enable me to make
the decision to keep loving, to keep caring, to turn away from any anger or
bitterness, and to never lose hope. That moment of despair, when it felt as if
nothing ever would be done or ever could be done was a moment where my trust in
God, faced with all the darkness of the world, faltered. Not that I denied in my
mind the truths of Christianity, but for a moment I denied in my heart the faith
and hope I have in sovereign God, triumphant over sin and death, and working all
things for good.

It was a terrible wrong, but God is able to handle
my weakness. He is rich in mercy, love and forgiveness, and that’s just so
wonderful for me to know. The Christian life is not easy, but there is always
hope, and God’s love endures forever sustaining me.

I don’t want to
sound poncy or pretentious or as if I’m trying to be “super-spiritual”, but when
I hear about the tragedy of people who care deeply about some injustice in the
world, who see the pain in people’s lives and want to make a difference, but
become angry and bitter and twisted by it, it brings me close to
weeping.

I was reading an article about the life of Andrea Dworkin,
a radical feminist who died recently. It was gut-wrenching to read what she’d
been through in her life, a life scarred by abuse and pain. She was passionate
in speaking out for women, against the injustices and cruelties they have
suffered. But what’s so sad is how she had become alienated and bitter and angry
herself. And oh, it just breaks my heart to see this world so damaged by sin,
and to see what it turns people into. I pray that God won’t ever let that happen
to me.

And those of you reading this who know Jesus, can I ask you
this? Please don’t live a glib and fluffy Christian life, one where everything
is jolly and smiley. Life isn’t like that. It’s a struggle, and there’s darkness
in the world that needs to be fought against, the light of the Gospel to be
brought to a sad and sorry world. But we are following almighty God, who loves
us, rose from the dead for us, and is with us now, and that gives us joy more
wonderful and profound than any saccharine coating of cheeriness.

Thanks for your supportive comments, by the way – much appreciated!